Hey guys.

I'm back! *eyeroll* I've left and come back how many times now? Let's see if this is gonna stick.

So I'm just gonna update erryone real quick like before I go on a rant.

-I started college. Again. Yes.... and I'm doing awesome. I have A's in every class except College Composition (in which I have a B, sucky). I would have an A in that class but I've missed a fair few classes due to being sick or tired or both and my stupid narrative paper wasn't quite the full 3 pages.

-I just turned 26. I feel old compared to my classmates. Most of them are between 18 and 21, with a very select few being older than that. MY FUCKING ENGLISH TEACHER (who's super hot btw) IS ONLY 2 YEARS OLDER THAN ME. Spent my birthday in Minneapolis for a Hanson concert. Yes. I'm still a dork like that.

-I hate college bitches. Stop staring at what I'm typing on my own personal netbook and keep looking for your precious book. Then again I've always had a problem with the younger kids. They're pretty much all irritating little dorks who get everything handed to them.

Time for my first rant in forever. Yay.

In English class we're doing a "concept paper." Which is just my teacher's fancy way of saying it's a smaller version of a research paper. This irritates me as I'm more of a creative type of writer. Or an opinion type writer. Not researchy type. *shudder*

Anyway.... So the topic that I chose was self-harm causes and treatment. And it's bringing up alot of my old stuff. I haven't cut myself in a long time. But that doesn't mean I don't get the urge to do it. I do. A LOT. But I never have the necessary tools around me. Well besides that Exacto blade that's covered in nailpolish from an art project I did several months ago. No matter how strong the urge, I'm able to hold back long enough to get past the scary part of it.

And then it makes me sad. Empty and sad, with a side of pain. I seem to hurt a lot lately. I don't know if it's the lack of eating (I'm on a diet and I'm not eating as much)... or the emotional pain of all that's happened in the last year or so (found out those nightmares I was having were actually repressed memories, fun stuff)... or being lonely... or getting old... or not sleeping (still have said nightmares though)...

I can't sleep. I can't concentrate. I cry myself to sleep because I'm scared.

I just don't know how much longer I can live like this. I'm in counseling, but she just seems to want to force change, rather than helping me to change myself. Which I really don't appreciate. She's weird, but the school doesn't really have many other counselors.

Sorry for being a downer.